contemplation...

I'm still here....

It's been a while:) I know I should keep everyone up to date on here but if I'm honest it has taken all of my strength just to keep myself and family together and I shut down for a while to stop myself from falling over the edge. It's been a hard 9 months since being diagnosed and I have fought with every ounce of strength I had in my body. Although I know I am beating the shit out of this  I have realised that I'm not sure I will ever get over having this disease, the fear is so deep rooted and I'm not sure it will ever leave and that scares me. On a day to day basis I am great but there are moments that it will hit me and that's when the what ifs? creep in. But I have the best husband and 4 amazing kids that I will keep fighting for and if that means I am on this diet of no sugar, gluten and dairy forever then so be it.

I am testing really well and the fact that my last ultrasound showed no tumour is amazing and worth every 7 hour iv I had!! So I am now dealing with the circulating tumours in my bloodstream , the thought of these metastasising tumours  taking root somewhere else will keep me fighting, going for treatments and on my diet for a while. There is still a way to go and I think I will wait until the new year to re do my German(bio -focus) blood test. I still haven't got over the shock of the last ones results, the fact that my tumour has gone is fantastic but my circulating tumours had trebled and it made me feel like I had been hit by a truck and I still get moments where my stomach will contract with fear but I have to believe that the jump in my numbers was due to my macrophage cells and the activating agent that I inject myself with, because the alternative would just be devastating and I just cant allow myself to go there!

I am so grateful for having Daniele by my side through this whole thing, I could never love him more. he will never understand how much it means to me that he has never questioned my treatment choice, the alternative way can be scary as it is not the norm and not understood by many but he trusted that I would never put myself at risk, I have 4 kids to be here for. The cost of it all has been as stressful as having the disease and he has never once asked how much it is all costing and I will never forget that and he will never understand how much it means to me.

I have been humbled and well and truly put in my place by this disease and I will never take anything for granted again but I cant wait for this year to be over, 2013 just has to be better  because I'm not sure I could cope with another one like this!!!!

We have fairies:))

We have fairies living in our garden, Alessia found this fairy door hidden behind our hydrangeas(thank you little nana!) and was so excited, I was bought up on magical lands and fairies and have carried that belief on with my kids.  Alessia wanted to make the fairies a special gift and i have been dying to try out the fairy jar that i have seen on pinterest so it was the perfect thing to make. It is so easy to make and it creates such joy for a few hours, Alessia carried it everywhere and showed it to everyone we met, the glow stick has since stopped glowing but the jar still looks pretty covered in glitter.

Grand Bend

Here are a few pics from a trip we took to Grand Bend when my mum was here, it was a rare treat that Daniele actually had the whole weekend off so we took advantage, I love Grand Bend it has such an old school beach vibe to it and the sunsets are out of this world... there are also a couple from another beach day out when Cassie was here.

They've Graduated:)

Last week was a busy one, the kids finished school for the summer, it was a bit bitter sweet as I love summer but it meant both Franco and Luca graduated and while that is a good thing it means they are growing up and it is all going too fast!!!!!

 Francos graduation was really sweet and caused a few tears, it is such a sweet school and the ceremony and slideshow were  really nice. With everything that has been going on this year for me I really appreciate everything that much more and I cant help but be aware of how short life can be, so when we are celebrating these special occasions I cant help but be a little emotional:))))

Luca's ceremony was a little more grown up, it was so nice to watch him and all of his friends getting their awards and goofing around as teenagers do!!! After the ceremony we headed back to the school gym and we had a mother / son  or Father/daughter dance which was such a nice touch that i'm sure we parents enjoyed far more than the kids!

Now we are heading into the next chapter and i'm sure we will have many dramas as thats just what we do!!!:)

life

I know it's been a long time!!!  Having iv's 3 times a week is really mucking up my time, i'm always playing catch up but never quite catching up:) But it's all good, i've had some great results this week so i'm feeling really positive! Its been an emotional 4 months with some really low times but Daniele has kept me going and when I have questioned whether the alternative route i have chosen was the right one he has kept me focused and reminded me of all the reasons we didn't choose the conventional route and I will be forever grateful that he was by my side through this awful journey!!! When you face something that threatens to take you away from your loved ones it really puts your whole life into perspective , i vowed to beat this thing and i am determined to beat the crap out of it!!!!!!!

Going the alternative way has meant the kids really haven't known what is going on which was one of the reasons i wanted to do it this way, so although me and Daniele  have felt like we are running on a hamster wheel, life for the kids has gone on unaffected as you can see.......

Our life for the last couple of weeks, Thank God the summer is here, everything is better with a bit of sunshine :)

Today is a good day, the sun is shining and I am happy!!! My levels were all fantastic today and were at a level that I have been wanting to reach, It has given me a great boost and the reassurance that things are heading in the right direction:)))
Now i'm off to watch Luca in his soccer tournament and I will celebrate tonight with a big glass of soda and lime!!!!

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